FANOS Check-ins for Couples Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy

‘Phainos’ is the Greek word meaning "to shed light on" or "bring to the light". The F.A.N.O.S. check in process was developed by Debbie Laaser MA, LMFT to help guide couples through the process of rebuilding trust and intimacy in their relationship. 

I found this exercise beneficial in my early stages of recovery to lay the foundation for better communicating to my wife and the ability to hear and know her better. The image below is a sheet I created to make the process of sharing together easier. Feel free to download and print for your own use.

Key elements to implementing the FANOS process:

• Structure – Set aside an available quite time each day/week, free of stress, to share with each other.  Pick a time good for both of your schedules, a time to share and hear each other’s hearts and minds, a time to get to “know” your partner better. 

• Keep it Simple – Keep each person’s sharing time to 4 to 5 minutes each.  Be concise, and to the point when it’s your time to share.  Be quiet and curious when it’s your time to listen.  Do something bonding immediately after sharing time, watch a movie on the couch holding hands, read a book together, have a time of prayer together, something the both of you enjoy doing together.

• Give Time to Process – My wife and I found it advantageous to wait 24 hours to let what we both shared settle in and process internally before responding.  This allowed both of us the time and space to sort through initial emotions and reactions.  It gave better space for empathy and curiosity in the responses and questions we had with each other the following day.

• Feelings:  Share feelings and emotions (not thoughts). Use a feelings wheel if needed for clarification and ideas as you build your vocabulary.

• Affirmations: Gratitude for your partner, something you appreciate about them or something they have done for you recently.

• Needs: A current internal need you recognize, this can be something you wish to be fulfilled by your partner in the relationship or just in general.

• Ownership: Take responsibility & apologize for an action, emotion, mistake, or words that you feel had an unhealthy effect on intimacy.

• Sobriety: Communicate struggles you wish to have success in.  These might be SA actions, self-care, rage, criticizing, stonewalling, etc...  Anything that you have found is not healthy in your life that you are moving towards healing.

When you find time to consistently apply this check-in process on a regular basis you find that it comes more naturally in your relationship to randomly share more of yourself with your partner.  It begins to instill more intimacy between you both to show up better for your person and know them more deeply.