Addiction: What's Really Going on Beneath the Surface?

When we talk about any addiction, most of us focus on the actual behaviors. In the context of sexual addiction its behaviors like watching porn, to going places we shouldn't, to hooking up with strangers. While these behaviors are what get people in trouble, they do not exist in a vacuum, there's much more to it than just what you see on the surface.

Preoccupation: Underneath the actual acting out behaviors lies preoccupation. It's those nagging thoughts that won't go away, that keep coming back. These are our fantasies, the scenarios we think through, the plans we make to act out, reminiscing over things we've done in the past. These thoughts can only remain active for so long before they eventually lead to acting out behaviors.

Affect Dysregulation: Affect refers to the 24/7 felt state of the body, and it is measured across valence (whether it is pleasant or unpleasant) and intensity (how much arousal is in the body). We all have highs and lows and get dysregulated at times. Some people have a decreased capacity to regulate their affect when they get outside a certain window of tolerance. Preoccupation serves as an artificial way to regulate these emotions. It's like a temporary escape from the chaos inside your head. But it's not a healthy or sustainable long term solution.

Trauma: So, where does this affect dysregulation come from? Most often, it's a result of trauma. Many studies on attachment have shown that a person's ability to self-regulate emotion and affect comes from having had secure attachment relationships in childhood. If someone experienced relational traumas, such as neglect or abuse, they may lack the capacity to regulate their affect.

A crucial part of our overcoming sexual addiction is to dig into this cycle of acting out, preoccupation, affect dysregulation, and early trauma in our lives. One of the first keys to breaking this cycle is to get sober, stop the acting out behaviors and begin to work through some of the contributing elements. This part of your journey is a lot easier said than done, this is hard work, it’s a difficult process of sorting and learning that will not happened overnight, but its rewards are great and will completely reshape the trajectory of your path forward.